The “Bottom” Line On the GOP Candidates For President

When one finds themselves banging their head against the television screen while screaming it may be time to assess the behavior.  Being the remarkably astute and self aware individual that I am it occurred to me that I began doing this with the advent of the Republican Presidential Debates.  While the bitch slapping in the last debate did provide for great entertainment, the ideological rhetoric that the participants proffered as plans to govern our country proved to be too much.  Thus, in an attempt to guard my emotional and physical health I will no longer be tuning in to these “slug” fests.  Below I offer my parting shots at this group.


MIIT ROMNEY wants the title of President of the United States like a 10-year-old wants a pony.  As with the 10-year-old he will promise anything to get it.  He has the fire in his belly and the money in his pocket to chase the ultimate update to his résumé.  He really, really, really wants the title and will say most anything to get it, though I have significant doubts as to whether he really wants the actual job. If the man is passionate about a single core issue or value it remains a mystery.  He changes his viewpoint on major issues like a New Englander changes his clothes to adjust to swings in the weather.

Unfortunately for Mitt and those of us who feel compelled to keep watch on him, his personality, demeanor and appearance is not unlike a PVC pipe inserted into the ground for the purpose of releasing methane gas – shiny, white and plastic on the outside with nothing on the inside but the smell of rotten eggs.  He tries very hard to act like a human being.  One can see evidence of hours and hours of practice he puts in, but it’s like watching Mr. Magoo attempt to navigate a canine agility course. It’s a painful thing to witness.  When Mitt attempts to tell a joke, offer an off the cuff quip or connect on a personal level with a potential constituent I find my face scrunching up so tightly, my eyes barely slits, that it hurts.  Such strange sounds emanate from my being that my dogs come running to check on my well-being, staring at me with cocked heads and soulful eyes. PAINFUL!!!

Mitt finds himself caught in a political catch 22.  At this point in time the Republican base does not find him crazy enough to hand him the nomination. On the other hand, he is the only candidate whose level of craziness does not preclude him from winning the general election.  If the GOP has one scintilla of sense left they will pull out all the stops and stand lock step behind Romney because the other candidates don’t have a prayer.  That’s not to say they don’t pray a lot, they do, just ask them. But God told me, “Hey, I was just playing with them when I told them to run for President!  Can you imagine? HA HA HA”  By the way, God laughs loud, kind of sounds like thunder. Don’t be afraid!


RICK PERRY is quite simply George W. Bush on steroids.  The steroidal regimen has enhanced all the negative characteristics of Bush and then some.  In addition, based on Tuesday night’s debate performance, Rick’s balls seem to still be intact but some brain damage is evident.  The Governor of Texas entered the Presidential contest when the monied and powerful GOP bigwigs felt it necessary to return to their shallow, toxic pool of potential candidates because, as mentioned above, Mitt is just shy of being crazy enough to satisfy the right-wing base.  Rick seemed to fill this void nicely.  His poll numbers sky rocketed even before he officially announced his candidacy and all looked well for the Great White Hope until he began opening his mouth on the national stage.  Not unlike Bush, Perry at times has trouble putting single words together to create a complete sentence and stringing sentences together to express a coherent thought.  The Republican base appears to be as forgiving of this deficit as they were ten years ago.  What they will not tolerate is any deviation from their agenda.  So, when Ricky defended his immigration policy vis-a-vis education for “anchor babies” a huge hue and cry went up from his good Christian supporters that was literally heard across the country. As a result, his poll numbers dropped faster than the housing market.  A little more polish and etiquette when debating his peers wouldn’t hurt either. Davy Crockett is way cool but probably not presidential material in 2012.  There’s still enough time for Perry to walk back his faux pas and take the GOP nomination but he will never win the general election.  He certainly could be a VP candidate.


HERMAN CAIN went on the ultimate book tour and found himself atop the leader board of GOP candidates for President for a few minutes.  Marketing wizard though he is, he seemed caught short when asked questions that required a substantive answer. 9/9/9 is really not worthy of a Presidential candidate.  Recently his position became a bit tenuous when he said that a women who was raped should go ahead and have an abortion if she wanted to BUT he was 100% Pro-life in every circumstance all in the same sentence.  People became confused.  So other than trying to sell books and enhance his brand, what is this “wordsmith”, businessman, motivational speaker, no political experience tool doing in a Presidential race? Now “I don’t have the facts to back this up, but” I suspect that after the exit of Michael Steele as head of the RNC  some heavy-duty Republicans felt it would behoove the Party to have a “black face” in a prominent position.  Yes, Herman Cain is an African-American running as an ultra-conservative from a Party whose base would rather vote for a black sheep than a Black man; they are far more comfortable with sheep of any color than African-American individuals.  Cain should expect a nice uptick in book sales but really should give up fantasizing about standing in front of the elevator in the White House as President or even Vice President. It’s just not healthy, Herb!


MICHELE BACHMANN  bought some straws in Iowa and won the poll of the same name in that state.  She promptly rose to the top of the GOP field scaring the bejesus out of everyone, including the Republican Party.  Romney was not crazy enough while Bachmann was a certifiable loon.  Enter Rick Perry.  As of this date her campaign is on life support with her NH staff quitting en mass.  The woman obviously has a few “problems” and being in the throes of a presidential campaign does not help the delusions from which she suffers.  Just ask Marcus.  Thankfully, we are on the verge of saying a fond farewell to Michele with one “L”.  I will be shocked if she even wins her district in Minnesota.  My condolences to comedians everywhere.


RON PAUL is a Libertarian, has always been a Libertarian and always will be a Libertarian.  He believes passionately in his principles and has never changed them to fit a particular mold dictated by the political times.  He will never be elected President or Vice President but he should be respected for the fact that he stands by his convictions.  I know, the bar is THAT low.  There’s no dancing the Limbo at GOP galas but they do make it easy to get married.  Go figure!


NEWT GINGRICH is a former Speaker of the House, former Fox News contributor and celebrity Michelin Tire Man and Pillsbury Doughboy.  Of all the candidates he is the most articulate in spewing insanity. Unfortunately for him, he can sound like a “smarty pants” and the Republican base loathes those types. If the primary were a contest for the slimiest, meanest, most hypocritical person of all the candidates then Newt would have a great chance at winning.  But the race isn’t just about that.  Newt will succeed in polishing his brand for Fox News but his days in government have been over for a long time.  We’ll see him on the tube but not in the White House.


RICK SANTORUM, former Senator from Pennsylvania and National Bedroom Monitor is running for the wrong office.  His passion and ideology make him much more suited for the office of Pope.  I don’t want to waste any more “ink” on this gentleman who is running to resurrect his political career.  If you would like more information on this candidate please Google: Santorum.


JOHN HUNTSMANN is a bright, coherent, moderate Republican with both foreign policy and gubernatorial experience.  For these reasons, he has no chance in the GOP primary.  His absence from the last GOP debate was noted only slightly less than his presence at the previous debates.


I’m just saying……